How Rae Woke Me Back to Life

On a fateful night in a packed event, I stood near a kitchen fully flanked by workers and guests. Only two volunteers were diligently working, the rest were pretending to work with generic labor movements. I walked around mindlessly and immediately saw distant philosophy writings on my workplace . I beelined for their sentimental value. God, the value of learning a new language only to find them completely undecipherable.

 I purposefully, as my consciousness often dictates its impressions to me, thought about how far I had lagged behind in life. I didn't recognize a single word in spite of a daily practice that I had forced myself into. Specialized skills take a lot of time and it would be better to practice using inductive reasoning, a friend told me. But just as I was sharing thoughts with myself while blankly staring at philosophy treatises and Italian calligraphy banners, individuals shuffled around me. They were the same age and had worn similar clothing. I looked and observed them. It had finally occurred to me that I fit none of what they stood for, and resembled little of their values. I was an empty husk, destined to wait for a vessel to lay claim on my soul. I tried as hard as I could to find positions of strength, where I could finally say to myself that I am a winner as much as I am a survivor. But I couldn't. There were couples flirting in a room next to my work, with a woman who looked stunning in her cream dress. With pink heels and an expensive golden watch, I surmised she was living the life lottery with her husband (or perhaps boyfriend).

 I thought to myself, life's folly is a recurring theme in my life. I resonate little of those around me, and I turtled even further after the traumatic effects it garnered on my mind. I wear no crown, yet I saw myself as a man without territory or love. I stood in lost wonder, and in complete silence. Kids were loud enough but I remain completely glued to the ground. Perhaps it is time for a natural cause to fall on me. As my mind spirals into further darkness, my survival instinct roared its overdrive on me. It whispered to me, "Izzat, your mind may be lost, but your body isn't. Your body is a temple and it is still worth fighting for." I argued and claimed the higher ground against my own conscience. I told it that I had spiraled into darkness because of the abuse I've endured from my own family. It acknowledged itself in response, and remain defiant against my giving up. So I did what every other lost souls in the history of womenkind do: listening to the nearest impulse. My stomach grumbled and I began walking away from my old self.

The transformation of being. Am I the same person I once was if I had moved on from my insecurities? I certainly thought at the time that walking was healthy for my soul and my mood had improved a little bit ever since i walked away. I wandered aimlessly until I stumbled across a stranger. She looked for something, but the smell of tourist-brisket attracted my five senses to its calling. The indoor was deeply lit, and differed remarkably from the bland and dark atmosphere of the old imagination that i had just visited. Patrons sat in rows, but they all came from one community. It was nice to see a world where the oppressive hand of evil hid itself, and the stranger's presence motivated me to smile just as much as the next person. I am hungry, I said to myself. I told myself to spoil a little on the food since I'm no less prone to stress eating than a couch potato.

Abusive voices blared in the waiting area. Familiar people conversed in a language so gaslightive and contrarian that it almost felt like the entire universe wanted to hand me the plate of inevitable hypocrisy. But I felt so dreamy that I made no conscious decision to acknowledge anything. I paid little attention to the food, the smell or even my food plate lying innocently on the floor. I closed my eyes as i rested my arm near the stove. Distant shoes clicked the ground and I opened my eyes just as the stranger bore her sights on me. A new face. Rae. She smiled brightly as she acknowledged me, "Hey."

 She had a close friend nearby and they both told me that they were part of the same community. She professed later on that her friend was close to her but that she also was aware of the oppressive hand of evil like many in her community did. When evil is normalized, there was no choice but to run or hide. The hand wants you shut off, for it only accepts one singular way of life. But she was made of sterner stuff. For her, greener pastures has always existed even in the corners of evil.

We both traded our background stories. She wore a black dress to conceal her careful approach, and her Italian parents waited by her side. We both made conversations before her friends called her for help and I waited patiently as they conversed in their native language. Yet another very beautiful language to feel. I almost closed my eyes again before she approached me for a second time, smiling as hard just as the first time.

 "I'm not going. I'm still around..."

 Good. I silently thought to myself.

 She told me the corridor we were in was not a good place to talk. So I led her elsewhere. I was stumped to give directions but she was kind enough to point to an open seat away from the "familiar faces". She told me she was thinking a lot about books and she had ideas on what I can do with mine. I was highly biased of my dreams but I often say to myself to cherish even the smallest of companies. I went with a bet and asked whether she was single but she politely replied that she had a boyfriend. "But my family is...(redacted) and I lived in two places" she said. At her conversational turn, I quickly smiled, and hoped that my awkward excitement won't conceal my giving and taking smiles in equal measure. I wanted to appreciate her now as a companion, and as an equal since she singularly lifted me up. I tried to complement her more and more. I have to make sure she feels lifted like I am, I secretly told myself. She laughed as we continued our forbidden conversations.

Friendship is life's novelty. Relationship is life's purpose. Friendship is like a liver that cleans your blood while relationship is like a heart nourishing and moving your blood in all the right places. The covenant is thicker in grief and love, and is more genuine than blood ties. She has, by herself, lifted me out of my depression and sadness so much so that today I am still stunned by how I'm so previously depressed. Why was I depressed? There was no reason to believe my life as the beginning of the end. Her treatment of me was more than enough to make me the happiest person in the world.

From the distant rumblings of my heart, though, my dreams intruded in me once more. Though the world shattered my dreams and destroyed my life, there is always a friend smiling at me on behalf of the universe. But now, the rumbles grew stronger. A cat perched near a medieval alcove. My spirit friend came back, its eyes warning me.

It's time. They're here. Run.

Cars swirled behind me and their headlights wore the resemblances of abuse. The end of my happiness is here. Familiar faces rang out in their destructive nature. I went in and was immediately screamed at. This time, they drew the ever-manipulative card of delaying their arrival so they could blame me for being an unruly passenger. I cried silently as I close my eyes. My only small innard thought that entire night was how much of a miracle that Rae and her community represents.